Democratic Disappointment

This is a repost from my facebook notes blog on July 3:

Sorry former fellow Democrats. I was one of you for 4 years, after enthusiastically renouncing my "no party" status to work on John Kerry's campaign for the presidency in 2004. I figured I could do more work from inside the party. Not so. My idealism caused me to focus on what I wanted to see--people on the ground, with real progressive values who care about where we are going and wanting to fix what's broken. What I wasn't paying attention to was the fact that the party, and the politicians in it are not the people on the ground with the ideals. They are, at least for the most part, people who once believed in the same things we on the ground do (and maybe somewhere they do still believe it), but sold their value systems to the all-powerful gotta-win goal. That, as Kevin Eirich has been telling me since day one of the first political science class I took with him, is what parties exist for: to win elections. My idealism again only allowed me to grasp a portion of the meaning of that.Parties exist to win elections. Not replace antiquated ideology with progressive ideology. Not to restore traditional ideology by ousting progressives. It's all about the win, and before there can be a win, there has to be a game and players. It's a very broken system, and it's finally sunk in that I will never fix it by being part of it. I love my country, I love the Constitution, and for all their flaws I love the Founders. But nowhere in the Constitution are parties mentioned at all--in fact Madison gave us a fair warning in Federalist 10, and seemed to somehow think that the system would compensate. I guess sometimes it does, but Madison, was also focused on differences in ideologies. What has happened is that the office has overshadowed the beliefs. The government has become the ruler of the people; where it was designed to be a government run by the people.Not a big secret that I am a pretty liberal person. Also not a big secret that my beliefs about the Constitution are pretty traditionally republican. Always trying to reconcile those 2 seemingly contradictory beliefs and wondering why they aren't compatible has driven me crazy. But I finally get it. They aren't contradictory at all. Taking care of each other and individual liberties are the foundation of the entire system. Equality and Liberty. All the political gaming makes us forget. Anyway, both parties are so skewed that regardless of what the platforms are, or the ideologies they tout, they exist to win and will ignore the paths to equality and/or liberty whenever and wherever it is advantageous to do so. Sometimes we call it compromise.Like when the Dems took back Congress 2 years ago and those of us who held a desire for change were elated because the Bush regime was finally going to be held in check and the administration was going to be held accountable for it's crimes. Crimes like committing torture and completely ignoring the Genva Convention on the treatment of prisoners of war. Like lying to the American people time after time, and lying to get us to support a war for resources that we marched into gladly. Like using depleted uranium--which the UN declared a Weapon of Mass Destruction back in 1991 and has been poisoning the entire country of Iraq and our service people there. The list goes on and on of the atrocities this administration has committed. It's not about parties and ideology, it's about power. There is no ideological reason for the Republicans in Congress to support Bush's agenda consistently--it's a power issue. And the Dems have been no better. Because when they regained the majority they ignored the opportunities they had to undo some of the damage. One of the very first things Nancy Pelosi said when Congress convened with her as the Speaker of the House was that impeachment was "off the table." They have been unwilling to stand firm on cutting spending to weapons research and other aggressive war expenses, which they could have nixed without cutting funding to troops. They have not restored our civil liberties, repealed the Military Commissions Act, restored Habeas Corpus, fought to close Guantanamo, end torture committed in our name (whether it be by U.S. military, CIA or most often, by hired third parties). They have not stopped the use of depleted uranium. They have not increased benefits for veterans, except in small token gestures and have ignored the alarming rates of PTSD and suicides among returning soldiers. They have voted to renew the bad legislation that they claimed (when they were the minority) was the doing of the Bush administration and the lap dog Republican Congress. So, what is the difference. Republican, Democrat. It's all the same really. I'm tired of watching this game and running myself ragged trying to fix things. I've been a hamster in her little wheel running and running and not getting anywhere except exhausted. I will continue to work to restore the Constitution and fix the broken system. I will work with Dems on the ground for sure, and I will lobby the ones in office to vote the way I think they should, but I can no longer be considered one of them, because that would make me as big a hypocrite as I accuse many of the high ranking politicans of being. People might say that you can't make the changes unless you win the office. I no longer think that's always true. Mostly, it's the people on the ground with the ideals that make the changes. We are supposed to be the government anyway, aren't we?

* 7/11/08 footnote: after Obama voted for the terrible FISA bill that damned the Constitution to hell and shot my hope for any real change in the foot, I have concluded that unless he chooses one of the real Constitutional advocates in the Democratic party (John Edwards, Russ Feingold or Chris Dodd) that I can't vote for him either.

Spam

The amount of spam in my inbox has increased so dramatically that I'm thinking about changing my e-mail. I don't know who sold what to whom, but somehow I got on the e-mail list of every spammer on earth.

Does anyone really think they can enlarge their penis size, buy designer watches, make a million bucks without doing anything or get laid by opening an e-mail WitH tiTleS L$ke thi$$$?

too big

After (barely) sleeping on the events of last night, I have come to the conclusion that I am not only a stronger person than I thought, but maybe in the situation I was too big about it. It was a situation that may have called for me to stoop a little. I may not have felt as good about myself as a person, but sometimes a little vindication is necessary. And I certainly could use a word of thanks from certain people whose dignity got spared along with my own. I won't get it, and maybe that's why I wish I'd stooped.

aha

I thought last monday that I wasn't as strong as I should be. Now I know I am stronger than I thought. In fact, I am fucking amazing. Someone put me into a situation tonight that tested my character. And I came through with flying colors. Not just surviving. My capacity for compassion and dignity shocked even me. I hope some people realize how lucky they are. But even if they don't--I do. I am a person that I could admire. So I guess this little test was for me. And I pass with flying colors.

reeling...

It has been a very strange week. An awful lot has happened and I'm not sure how to process it.

And I'm very behind. I have to do about 2 months of research in about 5 days and somehow compile into a stellar paper. I would have thought that was impossible, except this week I have seen the impossible happen.

Closure

It's what I wanted. No, what I wanted was for things to not have turned out bad. I guess closure is what I needed. Now I'm not sure how I feel. I'm profoundly sad. Relieved. Depressed. Looking forward, looking backward, trying to face right now.

The weather is perfect but bringing with it a whole new set of sensory forced memories that I'm not prepared to deal with yet. I know that the passionate, emotional, feeling, intense person is who I am. I'm just having a little trouble being with myself right now. Wishing I was incapable of feeling for a little while.

Of course I'll survive. I just don't know if I'll ever be the same. I'm a stronger person than I thought. But weaker than I should be.

Toxic Dumping

I am not a repressor. Keeping a lot of stuff in this last 12 months has damn near killed me. Someone listened, and if I haven't completely overwhelmed them will listen some more. On Thursday, I got out lots of stuff that needed to get out and I got to verbalize thoughts and feelings that were way too enormous to keep stuffed in my psyche. So Friday was a much better day.

There were parts of it that tried to pull me back to despair and panic and all the other negative emotions that have become so prevalent recently, but I got real bursts of me again, too. And it wasn't me trying to be me again, it was me. Like I'd make a joke or say something completely optimistic and tigger-ish and realize afterwards that it wasn't forced or me trying to remember what I used to be like, but really me. I guess it wasn't gone forever, after all.

The weather was gorgeous--in the 70's and sunny. Parts of the feel of the air and the sun in their own ways triggered memories that threatened to launch the flood of memory, but I let it just make me feel good instead. I don't think that would have been possible had I not gotten stuff out.

I am grateful for people who care. And people who listen. And especially to the person who let me dump my toxic waste without judgement. They have no idea the burden they helped me lift. I am going to survive. Not only that, be me again.

Getting Found

I got lost. Now I'm getting found. With a little luck, politics, soapboxing, cheer and righteous anger forthcoming...

for now I'm trying to detoxify and heal. And find myself. I'm pretty sure it's possible--today is a hopeful day. Getting a large quantity of salt dumped in a potentially fatal wound pissed me off enough that I realized I want to survive. It's not just instinct--it's desire.

I have some friends that are helping in ways they don't even realize. I'm very lucky to have good peeps. And I have a newish friend that is going an extra mile to listen to me and have a tea party with my skeletons. To that person, it's a small gesture. To me, it's a relief that feels like a first breath after being strangled.

It's going to be allright. I'm pretty sure.

the dream...

I had a dream. It was so long and so real that I thought it was my life, only better. It had fireflies in thick summer air, so heavy and humid that the light from the fireflies was diffused and amplified in that surreal way that can only happen in dreams. There was a black swan sitting in marsh grass by the edge of a lake, who knew secrets and sat listening--taking in every word. There was a constant flow of parks with different trees and paths and streams and ponds and puddles, but they all had in common the sounds of laughter and joy and pleasure. There was a black sky with huge bolts of lightening streaking to the ground from the clouds with thunder booms drowned out by angry music and laughter and murmuring voices. There was air so chilly you could see your breath and a cloudy but bright sky meeting a dark grey lake. The grass tickled and the blanket was warm and the grey sky was reflected in eyes as deep as the lake. There were long rides on winding roads with lots of trees and sometimes rain and sometimes bright sunshine. There was a gardener whistling through a hilly park, pretending not to notice. There were gales of the most joyful laughter and I couldn't tell which way was up and which way was down.

Scene by scene and frame by frame it went by in a disjointed blur. It had bad moments too, that seemed like the whole dream would become a nightmare, but they blended into the mix and it was unpredictable, like flying all over the world and never knowing what you're going to see next. There were moments of ecstasy and moments of despair and moments of every emotion in between. It was more colorful than life could possibly be, more intense and more alive. It seemed real--I can still feel the sensations on my skin; see the vibrant settings; hear the sounds; I can taste it and smell it.

And then came morning and I was reluctantly pulled from the dream. And realized that life will never be as incredible. It seems like being dead after the intensity. And so I want to go back to sleep forever and be in the dream again; so I can feel like I'm living.

Woman Killed by Flying Random Junk...details at 6 and 11

Today was a very bizarre day, and I'm not sure whether to be scared or amused by the fact that it isn't over yet.

Good thing I drive a hybrid; if I was on real time gasoline usage I would have run out in the middle of nowhere. I was driving a route I have driven at least a hundred times and got lost because I was so distracted that I made a wrong turn. Or, rather, turned where I should have gone straight. It took me a few minutes to realize that things didn't look familiar anymore and when I figured it out, I thought it might be a good idea to keep my mind on the road. Despite having a very solid idea of where I was, I managed to do it again, getting myself lost even more. Ditz.

Then I went out to MCC to visit one of my friends, and on the way home I saw a decal on a car that said "silver fox." First thought was that it was kind of stupid, then thought hey, what a great goal to have for my 40's. Spend them working on being a silver fox by the time I'm in my 50's. so I'm daydreaming about being a 50-something with a toned ass and big perky boobs and realized I was stuck behind a person with their trunk open. Not unable to close due to a big load, but flapping in the very windy air, threatening to dislodge the shit in it. I gave them lots of space, thinking they would maybe pull over to close it after they passed the traffic lights . Apparently the owner of the vehicle has a yen for living a wild and dangerous life since they didn't. Someone should probably tell them that risk-taking only counts as adventerous when you are risking yourself and not other motorists. All I could see was the headline: "Woman, 39, killed by Random Flying Junk" and under it:"Possibility of bad karma due to excessive materialistic thought. Authorities are investigating".

my life at the moment, in cheesy metaphor--the only available medium for one frightened soul on a night that's too dark and quiet

Some things are important enough to work for
...to fight for,
...to die for.

Sometimes working doesn't involve sweat;
fighting doesn't make you bleed;
dying doesn't necessarily mean the end of life, just sometimes feeling like it.

Some people don't understand those things, and
some people just don't want to.

Sometimes holding on to what's important is like clinging to a silk thread in a hurricane.
But when it's important you hang on and ride out the storm.
It would be easier to let it blow away. Find shelter. Get warm until the weather is better and you can go out and find a new thread. And some people do that.

I won't. You can find a new thread, but it's never the same as the one you let blow away. And when it takes a lifetime to find the thread that makes the tapestry unique and colorful and me, that thread is worth hanging on to. Even if the weather ultimately rips it away, I must try to save it.

The tapestry is so beautiful.
Perfectly flawed and unevenly patterned and as rare as the most important thread.