too big

After (barely) sleeping on the events of last night, I have come to the conclusion that I am not only a stronger person than I thought, but maybe in the situation I was too big about it. It was a situation that may have called for me to stoop a little. I may not have felt as good about myself as a person, but sometimes a little vindication is necessary. And I certainly could use a word of thanks from certain people whose dignity got spared along with my own. I won't get it, and maybe that's why I wish I'd stooped.

aha

I thought last monday that I wasn't as strong as I should be. Now I know I am stronger than I thought. In fact, I am fucking amazing. Someone put me into a situation tonight that tested my character. And I came through with flying colors. Not just surviving. My capacity for compassion and dignity shocked even me. I hope some people realize how lucky they are. But even if they don't--I do. I am a person that I could admire. So I guess this little test was for me. And I pass with flying colors.

reeling...

It has been a very strange week. An awful lot has happened and I'm not sure how to process it.

And I'm very behind. I have to do about 2 months of research in about 5 days and somehow compile into a stellar paper. I would have thought that was impossible, except this week I have seen the impossible happen.

Closure

It's what I wanted. No, what I wanted was for things to not have turned out bad. I guess closure is what I needed. Now I'm not sure how I feel. I'm profoundly sad. Relieved. Depressed. Looking forward, looking backward, trying to face right now.

The weather is perfect but bringing with it a whole new set of sensory forced memories that I'm not prepared to deal with yet. I know that the passionate, emotional, feeling, intense person is who I am. I'm just having a little trouble being with myself right now. Wishing I was incapable of feeling for a little while.

Of course I'll survive. I just don't know if I'll ever be the same. I'm a stronger person than I thought. But weaker than I should be.

Toxic Dumping

I am not a repressor. Keeping a lot of stuff in this last 12 months has damn near killed me. Someone listened, and if I haven't completely overwhelmed them will listen some more. On Thursday, I got out lots of stuff that needed to get out and I got to verbalize thoughts and feelings that were way too enormous to keep stuffed in my psyche. So Friday was a much better day.

There were parts of it that tried to pull me back to despair and panic and all the other negative emotions that have become so prevalent recently, but I got real bursts of me again, too. And it wasn't me trying to be me again, it was me. Like I'd make a joke or say something completely optimistic and tigger-ish and realize afterwards that it wasn't forced or me trying to remember what I used to be like, but really me. I guess it wasn't gone forever, after all.

The weather was gorgeous--in the 70's and sunny. Parts of the feel of the air and the sun in their own ways triggered memories that threatened to launch the flood of memory, but I let it just make me feel good instead. I don't think that would have been possible had I not gotten stuff out.

I am grateful for people who care. And people who listen. And especially to the person who let me dump my toxic waste without judgement. They have no idea the burden they helped me lift. I am going to survive. Not only that, be me again.

Getting Found

I got lost. Now I'm getting found. With a little luck, politics, soapboxing, cheer and righteous anger forthcoming...

for now I'm trying to detoxify and heal. And find myself. I'm pretty sure it's possible--today is a hopeful day. Getting a large quantity of salt dumped in a potentially fatal wound pissed me off enough that I realized I want to survive. It's not just instinct--it's desire.

I have some friends that are helping in ways they don't even realize. I'm very lucky to have good peeps. And I have a newish friend that is going an extra mile to listen to me and have a tea party with my skeletons. To that person, it's a small gesture. To me, it's a relief that feels like a first breath after being strangled.

It's going to be allright. I'm pretty sure.

the dream...

I had a dream. It was so long and so real that I thought it was my life, only better. It had fireflies in thick summer air, so heavy and humid that the light from the fireflies was diffused and amplified in that surreal way that can only happen in dreams. There was a black swan sitting in marsh grass by the edge of a lake, who knew secrets and sat listening--taking in every word. There was a constant flow of parks with different trees and paths and streams and ponds and puddles, but they all had in common the sounds of laughter and joy and pleasure. There was a black sky with huge bolts of lightening streaking to the ground from the clouds with thunder booms drowned out by angry music and laughter and murmuring voices. There was air so chilly you could see your breath and a cloudy but bright sky meeting a dark grey lake. The grass tickled and the blanket was warm and the grey sky was reflected in eyes as deep as the lake. There were long rides on winding roads with lots of trees and sometimes rain and sometimes bright sunshine. There was a gardener whistling through a hilly park, pretending not to notice. There were gales of the most joyful laughter and I couldn't tell which way was up and which way was down.

Scene by scene and frame by frame it went by in a disjointed blur. It had bad moments too, that seemed like the whole dream would become a nightmare, but they blended into the mix and it was unpredictable, like flying all over the world and never knowing what you're going to see next. There were moments of ecstasy and moments of despair and moments of every emotion in between. It was more colorful than life could possibly be, more intense and more alive. It seemed real--I can still feel the sensations on my skin; see the vibrant settings; hear the sounds; I can taste it and smell it.

And then came morning and I was reluctantly pulled from the dream. And realized that life will never be as incredible. It seems like being dead after the intensity. And so I want to go back to sleep forever and be in the dream again; so I can feel like I'm living.