It was going to be the second year of no presents. But I just couldn't stand it--there are a couple of people I really wanted to get presents for. I've been splurging on myself lately, which I couldn't afford to do, and realized that I would much rather be splurging on other people. (Although I will not deny that I am very excited to have a Xyron machine finally). And I went out last night unexpectedly and had an incredible time. And not being able to wait for final grades to be posted, I've been running about 3 DARS reports a day all week to see if grades are in. This afternoon they all finally were and I have a 4.0. I was feeling very much in the Christmas spirit and decided to go shopping.
It started out OK, but there were a couple things I wanted to get for people and looked at tags that said "made in Vietnam" or "made in China" and got very discouraged. All my ideas were good--except the labor was free trade zone and the laborers who created the products are basically sweatshop slaves. I found a couple of cool things for my mother. Like I said, I was in the Christmas spirit.
Until I got home. There was someone I wanted to talk to tonight who was busy doing something, all my great ideas turned into unethical choices, and the one person I managed to find something for was so nasty to me moments after I bought her gifts, that the idea of giving her anything just seems ridiculous. So, I was staring at the Christmas tree and thinking. I miss my Dad for reasons that I won't get into here so as not to write a dissertation. I miss Q. I miss Henry. My Christmas spirit was temporary and has changed to something more like Christmas depression.
I don't think I'm really depressed. I think I'm frustrated and too insecure sometimes. It's also harder than ever to maintain Pollyannattitude with my mother getting worse in the spite-spitting. I'm going shopping again tomorrow. The first thing on my list is Christmas spirit. I'll get it back for more than a fleeting few hours. I must. It's what I want to give everyone I care about most.
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