I got lost. Now I'm getting found. With a little luck, politics, soapboxing, cheer and righteous anger forthcoming...
for now I'm trying to detoxify and heal. And find myself. I'm pretty sure it's possible--today is a hopeful day. Getting a large quantity of salt dumped in a potentially fatal wound pissed me off enough that I realized I want to survive. It's not just instinct--it's desire.
I have some friends that are helping in ways they don't even realize. I'm very lucky to have good peeps. And I have a newish friend that is going an extra mile to listen to me and have a tea party with my skeletons. To that person, it's a small gesture. To me, it's a relief that feels like a first breath after being strangled.
It's going to be allright. I'm pretty sure.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
the dream...
I had a dream. It was so long and so real that I thought it was my life, only better. It had fireflies in thick summer air, so heavy and humid that the light from the fireflies was diffused and amplified in that surreal way that can only happen in dreams. There was a black swan sitting in marsh grass by the edge of a lake, who knew secrets and sat listening--taking in every word. There was a constant flow of parks with different trees and paths and streams and ponds and puddles, but they all had in common the sounds of laughter and joy and pleasure. There was a black sky with huge bolts of lightening streaking to the ground from the clouds with thunder booms drowned out by angry music and laughter and murmuring voices. There was air so chilly you could see your breath and a cloudy but bright sky meeting a dark grey lake. The grass tickled and the blanket was warm and the grey sky was reflected in eyes as deep as the lake. There were long rides on winding roads with lots of trees and sometimes rain and sometimes bright sunshine. There was a gardener whistling through a hilly park, pretending not to notice. There were gales of the most joyful laughter and I couldn't tell which way was up and which way was down.
Scene by scene and frame by frame it went by in a disjointed blur. It had bad moments too, that seemed like the whole dream would become a nightmare, but they blended into the mix and it was unpredictable, like flying all over the world and never knowing what you're going to see next. There were moments of ecstasy and moments of despair and moments of every emotion in between. It was more colorful than life could possibly be, more intense and more alive. It seemed real--I can still feel the sensations on my skin; see the vibrant settings; hear the sounds; I can taste it and smell it.
And then came morning and I was reluctantly pulled from the dream. And realized that life will never be as incredible. It seems like being dead after the intensity. And so I want to go back to sleep forever and be in the dream again; so I can feel like I'm living.
Scene by scene and frame by frame it went by in a disjointed blur. It had bad moments too, that seemed like the whole dream would become a nightmare, but they blended into the mix and it was unpredictable, like flying all over the world and never knowing what you're going to see next. There were moments of ecstasy and moments of despair and moments of every emotion in between. It was more colorful than life could possibly be, more intense and more alive. It seemed real--I can still feel the sensations on my skin; see the vibrant settings; hear the sounds; I can taste it and smell it.
And then came morning and I was reluctantly pulled from the dream. And realized that life will never be as incredible. It seems like being dead after the intensity. And so I want to go back to sleep forever and be in the dream again; so I can feel like I'm living.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Woman Killed by Flying Random Junk...details at 6 and 11
Today was a very bizarre day, and I'm not sure whether to be scared or amused by the fact that it isn't over yet.
Good thing I drive a hybrid; if I was on real time gasoline usage I would have run out in the middle of nowhere. I was driving a route I have driven at least a hundred times and got lost because I was so distracted that I made a wrong turn. Or, rather, turned where I should have gone straight. It took me a few minutes to realize that things didn't look familiar anymore and when I figured it out, I thought it might be a good idea to keep my mind on the road. Despite having a very solid idea of where I was, I managed to do it again, getting myself lost even more. Ditz.
Then I went out to MCC to visit one of my friends, and on the way home I saw a decal on a car that said "silver fox." First thought was that it was kind of stupid, then thought hey, what a great goal to have for my 40's. Spend them working on being a silver fox by the time I'm in my 50's. so I'm daydreaming about being a 50-something with a toned ass and big perky boobs and realized I was stuck behind a person with their trunk open. Not unable to close due to a big load, but flapping in the very windy air, threatening to dislodge the shit in it. I gave them lots of space, thinking they would maybe pull over to close it after they passed the traffic lights . Apparently the owner of the vehicle has a yen for living a wild and dangerous life since they didn't. Someone should probably tell them that risk-taking only counts as adventerous when you are risking yourself and not other motorists. All I could see was the headline: "Woman, 39, killed by Random Flying Junk" and under it:"Possibility of bad karma due to excessive materialistic thought. Authorities are investigating".
Good thing I drive a hybrid; if I was on real time gasoline usage I would have run out in the middle of nowhere. I was driving a route I have driven at least a hundred times and got lost because I was so distracted that I made a wrong turn. Or, rather, turned where I should have gone straight. It took me a few minutes to realize that things didn't look familiar anymore and when I figured it out, I thought it might be a good idea to keep my mind on the road. Despite having a very solid idea of where I was, I managed to do it again, getting myself lost even more. Ditz.
Then I went out to MCC to visit one of my friends, and on the way home I saw a decal on a car that said "silver fox." First thought was that it was kind of stupid, then thought hey, what a great goal to have for my 40's. Spend them working on being a silver fox by the time I'm in my 50's. so I'm daydreaming about being a 50-something with a toned ass and big perky boobs and realized I was stuck behind a person with their trunk open. Not unable to close due to a big load, but flapping in the very windy air, threatening to dislodge the shit in it. I gave them lots of space, thinking they would maybe pull over to close it after they passed the traffic lights . Apparently the owner of the vehicle has a yen for living a wild and dangerous life since they didn't. Someone should probably tell them that risk-taking only counts as adventerous when you are risking yourself and not other motorists. All I could see was the headline: "Woman, 39, killed by Random Flying Junk" and under it:"Possibility of bad karma due to excessive materialistic thought. Authorities are investigating".
Friday, January 4, 2008
my life at the moment, in cheesy metaphor--the only available medium for one frightened soul on a night that's too dark and quiet
Some things are important enough to work for
...to fight for,
...to die for.
Sometimes working doesn't involve sweat;
fighting doesn't make you bleed;
dying doesn't necessarily mean the end of life, just sometimes feeling like it.
Some people don't understand those things, and
some people just don't want to.
Sometimes holding on to what's important is like clinging to a silk thread in a hurricane.
But when it's important you hang on and ride out the storm.
It would be easier to let it blow away. Find shelter. Get warm until the weather is better and you can go out and find a new thread. And some people do that.
I won't. You can find a new thread, but it's never the same as the one you let blow away. And when it takes a lifetime to find the thread that makes the tapestry unique and colorful and me, that thread is worth hanging on to. Even if the weather ultimately rips it away, I must try to save it.
The tapestry is so beautiful.
Perfectly flawed and unevenly patterned and as rare as the most important thread.
...to fight for,
...to die for.
Sometimes working doesn't involve sweat;
fighting doesn't make you bleed;
dying doesn't necessarily mean the end of life, just sometimes feeling like it.
Some people don't understand those things, and
some people just don't want to.
Sometimes holding on to what's important is like clinging to a silk thread in a hurricane.
But when it's important you hang on and ride out the storm.
It would be easier to let it blow away. Find shelter. Get warm until the weather is better and you can go out and find a new thread. And some people do that.
I won't. You can find a new thread, but it's never the same as the one you let blow away. And when it takes a lifetime to find the thread that makes the tapestry unique and colorful and me, that thread is worth hanging on to. Even if the weather ultimately rips it away, I must try to save it.
The tapestry is so beautiful.
Perfectly flawed and unevenly patterned and as rare as the most important thread.
Friday, December 28, 2007
blog therapy
The following is copied from my Myspace blog, which I copied from my facebook notes. Apologies to the few who have seen it in the other places, but I feel very strongly about this, and since it doesn't fit on a bumper sticker, I'm going to spew about it everywhere I can:
I was completely engrossed in a personal issue and decided to take advantage of the nice weather to take a long walk and try to sort things out. I didn't get far. At the entrance to Davis Park on Chestnut Ridge Road (which for the record had tons of traffic and is a residential area), I saw what appeared to be a large dog. I was, as anyone who knows me could easily guess, sad about the death of an animal and angry that I had to be the one to notify some family that one of its members had been killed. Until I got up to it and realized it was a deer. Just a baby. The instant recognition that there was no family to mourn made me sadder. Then I saw the bullet hole.
I cannot describe accurately the intense grief and anger that I experienced and am still experiencing. There is just so much wrong with it. For one, it's a residential area right next to a public park and dangerous--not to mention illegal--to shoot there. For another--it was a baby. It was left by the side of the road. Someone embarrassed that they could only kill a baby? Just satisfied with murdering a living creature in cold blood and not needing a trophy? Dissatisfied with an unproductive day of hunting and not able to sleep until killing something?
For those people who hunt there are some things you should know.
-You don't need the meat. You don't need it at all, but if you are convinced you do, go to the store. The notion that you must hunt to survive was outdated a very long time ago.
-Killing animals is not a sport. It's murder. If you must kill something get a video game.
-Guns are not the problem. If you like shooting use clay targets or go to a range.-If you are pathetic enough to still need to kill things, do not do it in a residential area--the risk is very real that you will kill a human baby instead of a deer. And unlike the deer, you will go to prison for killing the human. (Not that you don't deserve it).
-Despite the weird association people have with guns and masculinity, killing things doesn't make you more of a man (or a person)--it makes you less of one. Try having the balls to take care of animals and your fellow humans--it's a lot harder and makes you a lot stronger.
-If you actually think that you are proving that you are dominant over nature, you are dillusional. Try going after the animal with the same tools it has--if you can take it down on foot with your bare hands, then we'll argue your dominance.
-The big gun doesn't compensate for a small penis. If anything, it draws attention to the fact that you are dickless.
And finally, to answer all the pathetically feeble arguments I've gotten from hunters:
-No I do not eat meat.
-Yes, there is a population problem with deer. However, for less than the cost of your bullets the parks departments and towns have access to a birth control alternative, but since that would mean you wouldn't get to shoot them, you don't want to hear about it. Let's both stop pretending that you have magically developed an environmental conscience--and while we're at it let's examine why there is a population problem. Human overpopulation has eliminated natural preditors. Instead of shooting a deer, how about using a condom.
-It does not matter how much of the animal you use, if you didn't need it (which you didn't) you shot it because it made you feel good.
-The taste of venison is irrelevant. Wrong is wrong. Period.
I was completely engrossed in a personal issue and decided to take advantage of the nice weather to take a long walk and try to sort things out. I didn't get far. At the entrance to Davis Park on Chestnut Ridge Road (which for the record had tons of traffic and is a residential area), I saw what appeared to be a large dog. I was, as anyone who knows me could easily guess, sad about the death of an animal and angry that I had to be the one to notify some family that one of its members had been killed. Until I got up to it and realized it was a deer. Just a baby. The instant recognition that there was no family to mourn made me sadder. Then I saw the bullet hole.
I cannot describe accurately the intense grief and anger that I experienced and am still experiencing. There is just so much wrong with it. For one, it's a residential area right next to a public park and dangerous--not to mention illegal--to shoot there. For another--it was a baby. It was left by the side of the road. Someone embarrassed that they could only kill a baby? Just satisfied with murdering a living creature in cold blood and not needing a trophy? Dissatisfied with an unproductive day of hunting and not able to sleep until killing something?
For those people who hunt there are some things you should know.
-You don't need the meat. You don't need it at all, but if you are convinced you do, go to the store. The notion that you must hunt to survive was outdated a very long time ago.
-Killing animals is not a sport. It's murder. If you must kill something get a video game.
-Guns are not the problem. If you like shooting use clay targets or go to a range.-If you are pathetic enough to still need to kill things, do not do it in a residential area--the risk is very real that you will kill a human baby instead of a deer. And unlike the deer, you will go to prison for killing the human. (Not that you don't deserve it).
-Despite the weird association people have with guns and masculinity, killing things doesn't make you more of a man (or a person)--it makes you less of one. Try having the balls to take care of animals and your fellow humans--it's a lot harder and makes you a lot stronger.
-If you actually think that you are proving that you are dominant over nature, you are dillusional. Try going after the animal with the same tools it has--if you can take it down on foot with your bare hands, then we'll argue your dominance.
-The big gun doesn't compensate for a small penis. If anything, it draws attention to the fact that you are dickless.
And finally, to answer all the pathetically feeble arguments I've gotten from hunters:
-No I do not eat meat.
-Yes, there is a population problem with deer. However, for less than the cost of your bullets the parks departments and towns have access to a birth control alternative, but since that would mean you wouldn't get to shoot them, you don't want to hear about it. Let's both stop pretending that you have magically developed an environmental conscience--and while we're at it let's examine why there is a population problem. Human overpopulation has eliminated natural preditors. Instead of shooting a deer, how about using a condom.
-It does not matter how much of the animal you use, if you didn't need it (which you didn't) you shot it because it made you feel good.
-The taste of venison is irrelevant. Wrong is wrong. Period.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Quality
I had a troubled night, obviously. Rattling around the house, spot cleaning, fretting until around 2AM, then finally deciding to go to bed. I knew I wanted to read something to take my mind off things. Without thinking about it, I looked through my bookshelves and instinctively picked up a book that is very special to me. It's one that I've returned to at various points over the last couple of years to read sections of over for pondering, although I've never read the whole thing through again. It's a book that's meant to be digested slowly, and although I've read it before, I read the first 4 pages--twice; stopping in places, rereading, exploring. The book and experiences that came with it the first time through were life altering.
Tossing and turning for another hour after, I finally fell asleep, only to wake up an hour later after having a horrible nightmare. I didn't get up. I let myself fall back to sleep in the time it took and woke up feeling better. The demons were purged; I just had to allow them to surface to get them out. Intuition is good to follow and so hard to hear with life sending very loud counter advice.
There is someone special I wanted to get a gift for, but didn't know how to do something really special on a severely limited budget and without a lot of time. I woke up this morning with that person on my mind, and knew exactly what I was going to do. I'm not sure if I would exactly call the feeling I have Christmas spirit, but listening to my intuition reminded me how to do, be and appreciate Quality. I'm not worried about Christmas anymore, or gifts, or my sister's visit being too much in too cramped quarters. I'm not worried about much of anything right now, just going to appreciate what I have, what I can give, and the gift I unexpectedly gave myself. It was most definitely what was best.
Tossing and turning for another hour after, I finally fell asleep, only to wake up an hour later after having a horrible nightmare. I didn't get up. I let myself fall back to sleep in the time it took and woke up feeling better. The demons were purged; I just had to allow them to surface to get them out. Intuition is good to follow and so hard to hear with life sending very loud counter advice.
There is someone special I wanted to get a gift for, but didn't know how to do something really special on a severely limited budget and without a lot of time. I woke up this morning with that person on my mind, and knew exactly what I was going to do. I'm not sure if I would exactly call the feeling I have Christmas spirit, but listening to my intuition reminded me how to do, be and appreciate Quality. I'm not worried about Christmas anymore, or gifts, or my sister's visit being too much in too cramped quarters. I'm not worried about much of anything right now, just going to appreciate what I have, what I can give, and the gift I unexpectedly gave myself. It was most definitely what was best.
Friday, December 21, 2007
The Ghost of Christmas Spirit
It was going to be the second year of no presents. But I just couldn't stand it--there are a couple of people I really wanted to get presents for. I've been splurging on myself lately, which I couldn't afford to do, and realized that I would much rather be splurging on other people. (Although I will not deny that I am very excited to have a Xyron machine finally). And I went out last night unexpectedly and had an incredible time. And not being able to wait for final grades to be posted, I've been running about 3 DARS reports a day all week to see if grades are in. This afternoon they all finally were and I have a 4.0. I was feeling very much in the Christmas spirit and decided to go shopping.
It started out OK, but there were a couple things I wanted to get for people and looked at tags that said "made in Vietnam" or "made in China" and got very discouraged. All my ideas were good--except the labor was free trade zone and the laborers who created the products are basically sweatshop slaves. I found a couple of cool things for my mother. Like I said, I was in the Christmas spirit.
Until I got home. There was someone I wanted to talk to tonight who was busy doing something, all my great ideas turned into unethical choices, and the one person I managed to find something for was so nasty to me moments after I bought her gifts, that the idea of giving her anything just seems ridiculous. So, I was staring at the Christmas tree and thinking. I miss my Dad for reasons that I won't get into here so as not to write a dissertation. I miss Q. I miss Henry. My Christmas spirit was temporary and has changed to something more like Christmas depression.
I don't think I'm really depressed. I think I'm frustrated and too insecure sometimes. It's also harder than ever to maintain Pollyannattitude with my mother getting worse in the spite-spitting. I'm going shopping again tomorrow. The first thing on my list is Christmas spirit. I'll get it back for more than a fleeting few hours. I must. It's what I want to give everyone I care about most.
It started out OK, but there were a couple things I wanted to get for people and looked at tags that said "made in Vietnam" or "made in China" and got very discouraged. All my ideas were good--except the labor was free trade zone and the laborers who created the products are basically sweatshop slaves. I found a couple of cool things for my mother. Like I said, I was in the Christmas spirit.
Until I got home. There was someone I wanted to talk to tonight who was busy doing something, all my great ideas turned into unethical choices, and the one person I managed to find something for was so nasty to me moments after I bought her gifts, that the idea of giving her anything just seems ridiculous. So, I was staring at the Christmas tree and thinking. I miss my Dad for reasons that I won't get into here so as not to write a dissertation. I miss Q. I miss Henry. My Christmas spirit was temporary and has changed to something more like Christmas depression.
I don't think I'm really depressed. I think I'm frustrated and too insecure sometimes. It's also harder than ever to maintain Pollyannattitude with my mother getting worse in the spite-spitting. I'm going shopping again tomorrow. The first thing on my list is Christmas spirit. I'll get it back for more than a fleeting few hours. I must. It's what I want to give everyone I care about most.